Who doesn’t know about the out-of-nowhere Halloween staple Hocus Pocus? Released in 1993, the story follows the legend of three witches who were hung during the Salem Witch Trials. Of course, some virgin 300 years later decided to light the black flame candle and bring the sisters back. If you haven’t seen it, you’re seriously missing out.
Personally, I revisit Hocus Pocus every year, and have done so since I was a kid. As I got older, there were definitely a few times the film made me think about things that I hadn’t realized as a child, such as “Oh, it’s Thackery Binks? With a ‘th’? Why would you do that to your child?” This was the first of many thoughts I’ve had. It’s only been a rollercoaster since then. Let’s take a journey together:
Mr. and Mrs. Dennison: Parents of the Year?
Listen, I’m not one to judge and we live in a totally different time, but the fact that Mr. and Mrs. Dennison straight up tell Max and Dani to go trick-or-treating by themselves in a town that they literally just moved to is insane. What do they know about the town’s crime rate? The lack of parental supervision through this entire movie is actually somewhat comical. On top of that, the loving parents go to some huge party with all the other parents in town. It’s fine, they don’t need memories with their children. What’s the worse that could happen, anyways? Not like they are going to bring witches back from the grave or anything ridiculous like that.
“I Put A Spell On You” isn’t just a musical number.
Maybe I’m just slow, but it took me until I was a twenty-something to realize that the “I Put A Spell On You” number isn’t there just for funsies. Winifred Sanderson didn’t get up on stage because she wanted to be the next Madonna (Mrs. Dennison had that covered). It was an actual spell. The Sanderson Sisters were literally casting a spell on everyone at the party because apparently there isn’t a single parent in Salem who goes out with their children on Halloween. “Now DANCE! Dance until you DIE!”
So… What happened to Jay and Ernie/Ice?
You know, the two jerky guys who stole Max’s shoes. The Sanderson Sisters ended up locking them in cages in their home, and Max takes his shoes back when he encounters them in said situation, but there was never a resolve. Did Max alert the authorities? Does he care? Do Jay and Ernie light the candle again? Am I predicting the opening to the sequel? Jokes aside, these tubular dudes totally deserved what they had coming for them. Also, the fact that tubular was an unironically utilized word in 1993 is amazing.
Billy is literally Me.
I’m not gonna lie. I thrive on casting shade, an Billy’s had centuries to plan out his roasting of Winifred Sanderson: “Wench! Trollop! You buck toothed, mop riding firefly from hell!” I was not let down.
I tend to lose my head, accidentally smash my fingers, and sleep on the regular. I’ve never related to another character so much. Billy Butcherson deserves his happy ending with an eternal nap time.
We get it! Max is a virgin!
The amount of times this is brought up is actually painfully awkward. That’s all I have to say about that.