The holiday season is in full swing, which means you’re still stuck at home and still stuck with your immediate family. And like caged animals that cannot escape, there’s bound to be a lot of tension that will explode during the holidays. So how do you defeat everyone that you’re stuck in the same house with? In order to survive the fighting, you have to step back and look at your family members as characters in a video game. Only then can you beat them and get the ending you richly deserve – a life of uninterrupted peace.
With the new Loot Crate DX fighting themed “Ka-Pow!” crate now available, we wanted to share some fantastic tips for taking on the various members of your family. Time to show your brother that you’re no longer the pushover he thinks you are. Knuckle up and step into the living room octagon as we give you pointers on How to Fight Your Family during the holidays.
How to Fight Your Brother
When it comes to getting under your skin, no one can do it better than your brother. This is the only member of the family you’ve actually imagined going to jail for by smothering him with a pillow as he sleeps. Somehow brothers are able to instigate arguments over the biggest and smallest things. Heck, you could be a golden angel and he’d still find a way to tell you that you’re no good and he wants to beat you up. Your brother is the low-level enemy you face in every stage of every side-scrolling beat-em-up video game. No matter how many times you put him down, he will keep on coming to antagonize you. The only bonus from having a brother is the thick skin you’ve gained from the endless torment.
Fighting tip: Completely ignore him. This will enrage him so much that he’ll start punching his own face just to feel like he’s getting the result he wants, even at his own expense. Yes, brothers are that insane.
How to Fight Your Sister
This is more of a mental battle than a physical one, although your sister can still kick the sh** out of you anytime she wants to. If you’re a girl, your sister will be sure you have zero access to her friends, her wardrobe and her secrets. She will always make sure you are the #2 on this relationship starship. If you’re a boy… well, there’s not much you can do. Not only will she slap you silly, knowing full well that you dare not fight back, but she’ll also ruin your reputation at school. Piss her off and your middle school to high school years will be the worst years of your life. She’ll make sure the football team beats you up on the daily and that the girls laugh at you every time you walk by. You always wanted a sister, right? Well, there you go, chump.
Fighting tip: The only way to defeat a sister is by gathering intel. Make sure you have something on her that she doesn’t want getting out. Blackmail is the only thing she’ll respond to (and secretly respect you for). Oh, she’ll still kick your ass up and down the street for the neighbors to see, but at least she’ll keep her mouth shut at school.
How to Fight Your Dad
This is the big physical brawl that every son is going to have to face sometime in his life. It could be at 12 years old, or at 40 years old, but eventually, you and pops are gonna knuckle up and beat the holy hell out of each other. And this will usually happen during the holiday season. Think of your dad as the mini-boss in a game: you know the fight is coming, you’re just not sure when. Besting your old man is the only way you can proceed to carry on and grow as a man yourself. If you don’t come out on top, he will lose respect for you for the rest of your life. Start your training early, because dad won’t go down easy. When he finally does, you’ll have the best relationship you’ve ever had with him. Until he finds out you never liked sports or cars, then he’ll write you out of his will. Don’t worry about fighting dad if you’re a girl. He’ll put you on a pedestal no matter what.
Fighting tip: Start taking Krav Maga, jiu-jitsu, wrestling and boxing classes at a young age. You’re going to have to power up early if you want to survive this future fight. Look to hit him square in the beer belly because it’s the only way to damage him. Hitting his face will only anger him and cause him to grow more powerful. You’ll need extra health potions for this one.
How to Fight Your Mom
Growing up in a household with a mom meant one thing – you will get your butt kicked every single time you do something wrong. Moms are without a doubt the final boss fight in any family. Not only can she smack you without you ever seeing it coming, but she has an acute ability to turn any item in the kitchen into a weapon. If you screw up, be prepared to dodge pots, pans, broomsticks, cutlery, plates, and anything else not nailed down on the counter. You’ll then be grounded, forced to do more chores than ever before and she’ll make sure your father hears about it when he gets home. Your mother will drain your mental and physical health meter in a matter of seconds. While the dad fight is a one and doner, your mom will be the toughest fight you’ll ever have, one that will occur throughout your life, especially if you marry someone she doesn’t approve of.
Fighting tip: If you can get access to a police riot shield, I recommend using it to block all of the items thrown directly at your skull. Moms don’t go for minor blows, they go for one hit knockouts. You’re going to be on the defense most of the fight, looking for an escape path from the damage she’s going to inflict. And say goodbye to your hair because if she gets her hands on you, she’ll pull the roots out without even thinking twice about it. Defeat your mom and you win the game. Or do you…? (I just realized after writing this that I probably need a lot of therapy.)
Don’t let the holidays be game over! Fight back and win with the “Ka-Pow!” DX crate! Order yours before they sell out. Or before the secret boss fight – your adopted cousin – comes over to finish you off.
